Delusion of Insignificance

This is a little rough, and I will probably revise and expand it, but enjoy the beginnings:


As I was reviewing a few posts, reflecting on my negative state of mind as of late, I had a thought; shocker.

While I pondered on what precipitated this current fit of self deprecation, I thought back to my psych days. All the terms that could be used to describe the mindset I was experiencing popped in and out if my head: a low self-esteem, hopelessness, poor self image, depressed, bipolar, distorted sense of self, etc.

And as all these terms ran through my head, I wondered if figuring out an antonym would be a better approach. Then it happened. For some reason the term 'Delusions of Grandeur" popped in my head followed quickly by the term "Delusion of Insignificance." Fitting? Yes, very much so, but let me delve a little deeper.

The idea behind this term is out of a deep rooted feeling of having nothing to offer, being worthless, a definite underachiever; a failure. Hence the word 'insignificance'. This may seem incredibly harsh, and I know intellectually it is, but I am a wicked self critic. However, I have had many accomplishments, friends, a wife, house, job, many skills and talents. I know this, I really do, yet the sense of failure dominates.

The intellectual, rational aspect of my mind fights against the notions of failure, poking holes in the theory, the irrational thoughts; the 'Delusions'. My perception of insignificance is based on a belief, false belief; irrational thoughts. It is akin to a fantasy, a lack of accurately perceiving reality.

I have struggled with this for years, although when I can feel the onset approaching I can now, typically, ward off the worst of such a negative mindset. As my posts show, I am more successful at times than others.

But what is key is that I am aware; I am aware of the arising, I am aware of its being, I am aware I will not always be able to manage such feelings.

I am after all a mere mortal.