I find it peculiar that I don't know what to write as I sit here with my fancy new journal, pen hovering. Yet I have no problem picking up my iPod Touch and type away.
Why is this? I am not sure, so I decided to do a little introspection, see what pops up when I grab my journal.
The most noticeable feeling is similar to the resistance I feel when I just want to sketch/doodle in my sketchbook: as though it is a waste of paper and/or time. I have it in my, head for some reason, that if I am going use up this paper, this tree, it better be worth it in the end.
However, when others draw or write, I don't have this feeling. I don't worry they are 'destroying' a tree, that their work will not be worth the 'defacement'. I rather enjoy the results others produce from their efforts. I don't scream from the mountain top about the environment, conservation of resources or wasting if time. Only in my head, only to me.
I understand that art in any form is a process; a process that takes patience, diligence and lots of practice. There will be periods of steps forward, and steps backward, and periods of no movement what so ever.
So what exactly is my resistance? I am not totally sure, however, I believe it all comes back to not having enough faith in my own skills, thinking that I am just wasting my time, the time of others or any valuable resources. Also, I need to remind myself that a lot of paper is either made from something other than trees or from recycled materials.
I realize I need to allow myself the same liberties and rights I permit others to grow and develop. I am not wasting anything, but fine tuning, practicing, learning how to become better at writing. While I can intellectually understand what I am doing to myself, it isn't so easy to take that step forward quite yet.
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