Two nights ago I became very frustrated as no channels were coming in on the television; all I wanted was something decent to watch. Yes, we have an antenna trying to catch the last of what free television has to offer.
Anyway, I reached the point where I realized my leg was bouncing, my pulse had increased and my ears were burning; I was irritated, anxious. Usually I am only this irritable in large social situations due to anxiety, so I was a tad bit confused why I was so anxious sitting in my living room alone at eleven o'clock at night.
Curious, I turned off the television. I listened to the breeze rustle through the tree outside my window and just breathed. Five minutes later, my leg was not bouncing and I was no longer feeling so irritable or anxious. At first I didn't think that television could be the cause, maybe it was just a long day, I was tired or was coming down with something. I didn't think too long about the situation and headed to bed.
Wednesday night came and I wanted to watch American Idol. (Yes, I know, but Harry Connick, Jr. was on the show)
And as luck would have it, the reception was not good. I became irritated, anxious, my leg was bouncing; just like the previous night. Realizing the same feelings arising in me I reached for the remote as though I was reaching for a gun, pointed and shot the infrared beam across the room and silenced the television. The ticking of the clocks, a few creaks of the house, and the faint hum of tires rolling by sleepy little town. As the night before, five minutes later I was not so irritated, anxious, my leg stopped bouncing and I was breathing nice and relaxed.
Could it be? I mean, really? Was the television, the boob tube, idiot box, really causing me stress and not the surreal relaxation that we expect from such brilliant and cleaver production of repetitive and cliched commercials that are interrupted by segments of shows? This, this is... disturbing! Here I was thinking television was something to do when you don't feel like doing anything! But, I definitely didn't feel like doing anything, so what happened? Am I flawed? Was I not doing it right? Did I break it?
Probably not so much.
I knew there were shows that make me want to poke my eyes and ears out, but I was watching shows that I didn't mind so much or even liked. Now, don't get me wrong, I still off work due to injury and normally I work second shift, so I don't really watch a lot of television. I have followed series before, but I have seen more Friends, Seinfeld, Two and a Half Men and Raymond in the last two months than I ever did when the shows were on the air!
I decided to mediate on it, reflect on the feelings that arose both nights and I realized that I was irritated not by the television as much as I was irritated by my mind being stagnant; thoughts being suppressed or ignored. By sitting in silence I was able to "walk the dog"; let my mind be free for a while. I didn't realize an hour or two o television caused it to feel so pent up, but I have to say it is a lesson learned. I know I need a release, time to think, read, write, daydream; yet, I never would have guessed television would irritate me more than being at work for eight hours!
What is most fascinating about this whole experience is that I am even remotely surprised the television would have a negative effect on me! Silly me, I guess I am not as aware as I would like to be!
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